Humor From The Bold Strummer

The Something Harmonica Blues
Aching prose by Nicholas Clarke


Well, I went to the store for a
'butcher's hook' (Which is Cockney rhyming
slang for 'look') and I asked for a gee-tar
half in jest, when the salesman took in one
deep breath, and said . . .

"Kid, we have classic guitars, flamenco
guitars, four, six and ten string guitars,
left handed guitars, acoustic guitars,
electric jumbo and dreadnought guitars.
Bass guitars, pedal guitars, flat top, arch
top, Hawaiian and double necked guitars,
steel . . .

"All right," I said, "I see your point"
(wish I hadn't come into this damn joint.)
"I want to play like Segovia, man," so he
showed me a guitar for four thousand clams.
And as I fell down on my face he said,
"For that we throw in a cardboard case."

"Now look," I said, "that's a lot of bread
I'll be paying the charge until I'm dead."
So he showed me a guitar for just
fourteen; worst guitar you've ever seen . . .

I said to the guy, who was getting mean
"I sort of want something in between."
Then off that salesman went again, hollerin'
on like an ex-press train, "We have Martin
guitars, Yamaha and Guild guitars, Favilla, Greco,
Gibson and Fender guitars. Ramirez, Hernandez,
Velazquez and no-name guitars. We have
American guitars, Canadian guitars, Japanese,
Irish, Mexican and Polish guitars. We have
Austrian guitars, Finnish guitars, and even
a couple from Spain. We have . . .

By now I was gettin' pretty tired and
I thought I'd take a stroll outside,
but the salesman looked right in my face
and said "Of course, you'll want a case.

We have cloth, plastic and polyester
cases. We have chipboard, leather, hardboard
and chrome cases. Triangular, oval, square and
guitar-shaped guitar cases. Red, blue, green
and pink guitar cases.

And of course you'll need a few
accessories, like a guitar strap, polishing
cloth, capo, footstool, flat picks thin,
flat picks fat, string winder, tuning fork,
bottle neck, humidifier, dehumidifier,
metronome, guitar stand, music stand,
pitch pipe, ear plugs, tranquilizers, and
we have a dynamite picture of Andres
Segovia jammin' with Jimi Hendrix. Now
for strings. We have Aug . . .

"But I've never played a note before,"
I said as I eased towards the door, but
the salesman gave me a real mean look
and said, "My boy, you'll need some
books You'll want the Carcassi method,
Tarrega, Christopher Parkening, Julian Bream,
Peter, Paul and Mary, Pete Seeger, Leadbelly,
Chet Atkins, Les Paul. Some scale studies, two
part inventions, finger picking techniques,
how to play the guitar in fourths, fifths,
ninths and thirteenths, and that will be
one thousand eight hundred and forty dollars
and three cents plus tax, no charge for the
shopping bag."

Without any bread, I said "That's
drastic." "That's all right, 'cos we take plastic.
We take Master Charge, Visa, American Express,
Dis . . . "

Next thing I knew I went off my head
and woke up strapped to this hospital bed, which
I thought was a welcome relief until the salesman
shoved between my teeth a harmonica, and said
"We have Hohner . . .